Destiny

GAHHH>.< my eyes..they were almost popped out.hoho…too longgggg…i have to finish them later..kkakaka

francisespiritu:

As I went through my facebook notes, I realized that in two short years, I have become somewhat of a better person. I realized that every experience I’ve gone through was a growing experience. Studying in a cafe’ environment…Writing about my successes….giving advice on how to court a woman….and trying to get over the hurdles of heart break. Out of all the notes I’ve written, the two that stuck out the most to me were the ones titled “Mocha Chai Indulgence” and “The Final Goodbye”

“Mocha Chai Indulgence” stuck out to me because it was so vivid…the way I described my first time experience of studying in a cafe’ and having my attention being averted away from my studies to a beautiful college girl.

Mocha Chai Indulgence: A tale of coffee beans and lust

I sat at Suju’s coffee doing my notes for psychology class. The place was packed with socialites who’s life experiences reflected with the wrinkles of time on their faces. I sat on one of the available couches sipping on my chai. As I took notes on the roles that hunger played on motivation, I gave up on enduring the strong aroma of the coffee beans that circled the shop like a plague. I relaxed my back on the couch letting the demons of comfort possess me, causing me to float away on a cloud of pure relaxation. But time slapped me across the face once more, knowing that I had only 10 minutes until I tuned in to CNN.com to watch Obama’s state of the nation.

As I wrapped up my notes for the day, I looked up and noticed that the wise were beginning to leave the shop, only leaving those who were young like myself at this shop to finish our studies. I went back to the notes that I had been typing up on my laptop for the past hour, Cornell style.But, before I would be able to give my full undivided attention to my notes, I averted my eyes to this figure that was in the periphery of my right eye. I turned my head cautiously to catch this mystery sight to the right.

Our eyes met, she was a mocha brown figure, a filipina I assumed. She looked back at the work she was doing on her laptop and I did mine. I didn’t pay any attention to this mystery girl. I only noticed that her long hair dangled to her right side. Her black jeans were tight to the point where her thighs were to the point of ripping away the seams that held those jeans together. She wore what looked like a wool sweater, keeping her warm on a cool night like this evening. The Jesus sandals she wore clung to her feet, honestly making it seem like she was trying to live back in the days when the Lord had roamed up and down Israel. I went back to my notes, not paying any attention to my surroundings…that was until…

A being had walked in front of me, and placed themselves on the empty couch which was situated to my left. I looked up, only to find myself being stunned at the sight placed before me. It was as if Jesus himself had sat next to me…but I was wrong, it was the girl in the Jesus sandals. Great, another opportunity for me to indulge on the guilty pleasure of taking occasional glances at the mocha brown skinned girl who decided to place herself next to me. Of all the open seats in this coffee shop, why next to me? I understand that the couches are a comfy place to sit, but in my opinion, I would rather sit at a table and a chair. But who knows, maybe she just wanted to sit comfortably…but why did I notice her looking at me for long periods of time in my periphery?

She was a college student…the maturity and intellect of the typical college student radiated in her presence. She placed her laptop on the coffee table that was in front of us, and she took out a book from which she was taking notes from…statistics. Despite the fact that she was a college student, I wasn’t intimidated by her whatsoever. I was taking notes from a college level Psychology book after all, maybe she believed I was a college student as well?

I couldn’t continue on with my notes, so I decided to close the book and save the document which my notes were on. I took my laptop off the coffee table, reclined on the couch and placed the laptop on the top of my lap. I looked at the clock on the bottom right hand corner of my laptop, 6:05 PM. Shit, how could I have let time fly by? It wasn’t my notes, I guess I was just basking in the intoxicating presence of this mocha brown mystery girl. I went to CNN.com, and tuned into the state of the nation, unfortunately the connection was faulty, so I ended up sitting there waiting for this video to load for nothing. But it was okay, the more I waited, the more I got to steal occasional glances at this mocha brown mistress.

As CNN loaded, I watched her take out her iPhone to text. When ever she texted, it was when she would be the most concentrated. Did she know that I was getting excited by indulging on the guilty pleasure of looking at her? She was beautiful, I couldn’t help it. She finished texting, reached into her bag once more, and took out glasses. Now, in my opinion, glasses can make a girl sexy, or can make her unattractive. Tonight was a great example, where the plastic black frames brought out her pulchritude even more. I closed my eyes, and wondered, is this fate? Does she want me to talk to her? Why did she decide to place herself within an arm’s reach distance from me? I never stood around to find out.

I’d become so irritated that I went onto AIM, and informed my friend Joseph about this mystery girl. And how she looked like an acquaintance of ours. I told him how intoxicating it was to be around this mocha brown beauty; how I became engulfed with anger as each second passed by. He told me to just relax, that maybe it was fate that I stick around to talk to her? I decided not to, I was too afraid to even present myself to this girl who was at the college level. I moved to the other side of the cafe’ where I thought I would get a better wi-fi connection so I would be able to watch the State of the Nation. Yet, no matter where I sat, the connection was terrible.

I packed up my laptop, charger, iPod and stood up. But before I took my leave, I turned around, and found that the couch where the mocha brown mistress had sat empty. I didn’t want to stick around to find out where she went, because one more second in her presence could have been the death of me at that moment. I rushed out of Suju’s and went to my car to put away my things. As I got into the driver seat, I felt the rushes of having to use the bathroom enter my body. I exited my car, went back into Suju’s and went to the bathroom.

I approached the bathroom, grabbed the doorknob, and attempted to turn, locked. It was locked, I turned around and stood there. As time went on, I grew tired of standing and began to use the wall as a make shift post for me to lean on. It was comforting. I closed my eyes, and listened to the grating sounds of the coffee beans being turned into a beverage that someone would soon be temporarily warmed up with. I heard the door behind me slowly open. I opened my eyes and turned around….

Our eyes met once more. The black jewels that stood behind the plastic framed glasses were staring at me. She looked at me with shock, which was immediately replaced with silence. She turned her head down to the left, excused herself, and ran past me. I looked down, too ashamed to even mutter a hello. I saw her right foot. A lotus flower was tattooed on it. As I walked into the bathroom, I grabbed a quick whiff of her scent…lilac?

I finished my business in the bathroom. Washed my hands, and stepped out once more. As I approached the exit, I looked over to my right, and saw her sitting on the couch texting on her iPhone. I walked out, not looking back, letting out a sigh of sadness, knowing it was over. She and I would never cross paths again. That maybe if it was fate for us to talk, I was too afraid to initiate any type of conversation. I got into my car, not once hesitating to go back inside to steal one final glance at this girl. I started the engine, put my car in reverse, and backed out.

Before I left the parking lot, I yielded to the cars that were going down Thornton Boulevard. I looked over at Suju’s and at the potential spot where the mocha brown beauty was seated. I couldn’t see anything but a wall, a wall that separated me from my guilty pleasure. I looked to my left, no cars coming. I drove out of the parking lot, and into the night. I didn’t once look into my rear view to look at Suju’s. Not once, all I could see was the road before me. I realized that by not looking back, I turned my back on this girl. By only looking forward, I would only live in the present. That by only looking forth, that I would only wonder about the future and think “What if it was fate that I spoke to her?” I will never know the answer, and always ask myself “What If” about the Mocha Brown beauty, at the coffee shop known as Suju’s….

The other note that stuck out to me was “The Final Goodbye”. I guess letting go of the one person you truly love, is the hardest thing. I mean, the title was so cliche, however it wasn’t the final goodbye at all. We met up again two or three more times after this engagement, however the idea of letting go is still strong and within the note. Falling in and out of love is a learning experience, a painful one.

The Final Goodbye: I love you…goodbye

He left Cupertino in a rush. As he got onto 680 he thought about many things as they started to rush into his head. He picked up his cell phone and dialed up that familiar number. As it rang he began to think about what he would say to her. She picked up the phone and he heard that familiar…”Hello”.

“Hey can I drop by to say hi to your mom and to you for a few minutes?”
“Uhh…it’s late. Just go home”
“I’m already on my way, I’ll just take two minutes.”
“Alright. Bye”

He sped to her house. Parked into her driveway, and ran to her front door. He rang her door bell, and turned around, and gazed into the sky. He saw the familiar Orion’s belt and the big dipper staring back at him. For a moment he felt as if his cousin and grandmother were looking down on him from Heaven. The door slowly opened, and he was welcomed by a flashlight shining into his face. It was her brother and his friend. He slowly stepped into the house, and when he looked to his right, there she was at the foot of the staircase eating. He closed the door behind him, and watched her brother and his friend race up the stairs as she stood motionless watching him. He looked up at her…

“Hey.”
“Hey…”
“How was your day?” He asked
“It was quite epic. I haven’t gone to the movies in a while.”
“Oh? So how did your “date” go?” he immediately asked
“LIke I said, epic.”
“Was he a better date than me?”
“The fucker wouldn’t let me pay for anything.” she quickly replied
“Oh, so he is a better date =P”
“No.”

As they finished their quick conversation her brother and his friend peeked from the top railing. The three of them began to converse. He sat back and watched as they talked. He looked at her smile. That beautiful smile that he knew that he wouldn’t be able to see again. She looked back at him and stared. He quickly said…

“10 Rules…I’ll be sure to remember them for my next relationship”

She nodded her head. He looked to his right once more and stared at the door and opened it. He turned back around and said to her

“Hey, come outside with me. Let me say some last minute things.”
“But it’s cold!” she replied
“I’ll only take 2 minutes.”

She put on her shoes, and followed him out the door. As he waited for her, he stared up at the stars once more and thought about what his cousin had told him in his dream the previous night before. She followed him outside, and they walked to his car. They faced each other, and he stared into the same eyes he fell in love with just a year before. He gathered his courage and said to her.

“I guess this would be goodbye. Tell your mom thanks for you know, letting me come over and eat all your food =P. Make sure that your next boyfriend who ever he may be treats you right. And if he doesn’t tell me, so I will come over and beat his ass.”
“That’s what the guy I went out with today told me” she responded
“Well, I mean it.”

He looked across the street, and saw her mother walking back to their house. He walked up to her mom and hugged her. She told him to come inside because it was cold, and he said, no it’s okay I’m just saying goodbye. He walked back over to her and continued talking.

“You know, I know I said I would always love you. And I really mean it because I still do. But you know it wouldn’t be fair to you if I held on and kept on trying to win you back. Not only that it wouldn’t be fair to me. You know, last night my Kuya told me that if I loved someone or something, that I hold on no matter what. But that sometimes, it would be best that you let go, no matter how much you love them. So I guess I’m saying goodbye. It’s like some Phantom of the opera shit. I’m letting you go for the better person.”

There was a long pause, he thought back to the time they met.

“You know, I know when we met it was kind of weird we jumped into things too soon. So I want to say goodbye correctly.” He stepped back and extended his hand.
“Are you serious?” She replied to his extended hand.
“Yeah =]”
“Really? Are you serious?”

He let out a small laugh. He looked up to the sky and said to her. “You know, one thing I wish we could have done while we were together, was look up at the stars.”
“But there are barely any stars” she replied
“Here, but where I live there are a bunch. And they’re still stars at least.”

There was a quick call from the inside of the house. Her mother was calling her. She had to come in. She invited the boy back inside and he followed. They went into the living room and they started their final goodbye. She leaned up against the wall and he looked at her.

“So I guess this is it. Goodbye…” He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, and walked to the door. She followed him and as he stepped outside. She immediately said “Don’t do anything stupid.” He looked back at her and gave her a little smile and said. “Yeah…” As soon as he stepped out the door, he felt the tears welling up inside him, and he fought those tears like he was fighting for his life. He heard the door shut behind him, and he walked to his car. He stood next to his car and stood there. He turned around and leaned against his car and slowly slid down burying his hands into his face. There, with no one looking, not a sound, only the cars on the main road driving by, and the cold chill of the wind, he let all his emotion out and began to cry. He sat there for a good minute…he looked up to the sky, at the stars and said to himself, “It’s okay…real men have to cry at some point. I guess it’s okay when you lose the one person you really love.” He walked around for a bit, and sat in his car. He called her brother up on the phone. “Hey, uhh can you come outside? I need to tell you a few things before I take off. He sat in his car for a minute. Her brother came out and walked up to the car.

“Hey bro, take care of your sister alright?” He said to her brother “Make sure that if she dates an asshole, you beat his ass. And good luck with your girl alright? This is gonna be the last time you see me. You’re my little bro, and I love you.”
“I love you too, no homo” her brother said.
“Yeah I know.” He stepped into his car, “I’ll see you round bro.”
“Alright, late!” Her brother replied.

He waited for her brother to get into the house. He slowly backed out the driveway and drove home. As he approached the freeway, he reached to his side door, and pulled out a cigarette. He stared at it, and stared at the lighter in his cup holder. He looked at the last cigarette. He rolled down the window and brought the cigarette to his lips. As he brought the lighter to the cigarette, he remembered the last thing she told him…“Don’t do anything stupid okay?”. He stopped right there, and took the cigarette out of his mouth. And hurled it, and the lighter out the window. As he drove away into the night. He looked into his rearview and saw the overpass he once crossed to get to her house get smaller and smaller. He looked out ahead of his windshield. He knew from then, that no matter what. No matter where he went in the future, he knew he would keep his promise to her. That he would always love her.

So the fact is….I’ve grown a lot since then. It doesn’t hurt to tap into old memories, yet at the same time it does. But a hurt that is beneficial in the way that will help you grow and expand better as an individual in society. Everyone has their doubts, but it takes true courage to face those demons, and accept them.